Notable Quotable:

Notable Quotable:

Remember, folks: whenever a woman says "die for me because you are a man," just look her in the eye and say "my body, my choice."

Monday, November 11, 2013

End of a chapter

I've learned a lot in the last few months. About life, about hope, about loss, about grief. The one aspect of loss that most surprised me is how it messes with the perception of time. I became angry and panicky when autumn approached, feeling as if I wasn't supposed to continue through time without my husband. Normally time blends; the past eases into the present, which eases into the future. When a huge part of your life stops moving through time, forcing you to leave it behind, it can throw you off balance at your core. Adjusting to it is a slow process.

It feels like this big new pit in my life is changing shape. It's not as deep as it was a couple of months ago, but it has widened; I'm moving forward and carrying it with me by its edge, stretching it across the surface of time. I suppose it will eventually become a thin layer of my life, like an inch of rainwater spread over a big field as opposed to a small but deep lake. It will probably even absorb into the surface, always there but not always noticeable.

I'm closing on the house tomorrow and driving back to Hooterville Wednesday. Thursday is mostly business - driver's license and tags, and a haircut by Dave! A checkup at the doctor's office, and time with friends. Saturday I head up to The Frozen North. While I'm on the road, my parents will be too; SisterFed and SisterEMT are helping them move to SisterFed's town in the Wild West. I'm going to spend a few months at SisterEMT's apartment, and visit our parents from there. I'll also spend a bit of time in my hometown nearby and I might toddle on over to Sunny California to visit The Corporal. Somewhere in there I WILL be taking Captain Capitalism out for lunch!

Beyond mid-winter, I don't know, but that's OK. I don't need to find a paid job yet; I now receive a monthly pension payment and I have enough cash to live modestly for a couple of years if necessary (without touching my nest egg.) I have until next summer to decide whether or not I'll live in my rental house, and the Corporal is applying to his preferred university. I just might buy a house in CollegeTown, and oddly enough ;) The Corporal likes that idea - something about privacy and a garage for his motorcycle, plus a few home-cooked meals and a live-in laundress...

While I'm in the Frozen North I think I'll (re)develop an old job skill too. I tended bar for a while in college and I loved it, and I think that would be a good part-time job for me. I'm a night owl, and I suspect that a MHRA bartender in a college town could do a lot of good. Just sayin'. And I am SO looking forward to getting back into blogland and my work with A Voice for Men! The Coyote Shivers/Pauley Perrette/LA County Courts story is getting bigger, and Pauley and her pals are about to find themselves in some pretty hot water. Harassment, intimidation, perjury and corruption can come back and bite you in the ass, and all the money in Hollywood can't keep this story under wraps. I almost (but not quite) feel sorry for all the Hollywood "news" reporters who would give their eye teeth to get their hands on this story, but would lose their jobs if they published it. Additionally, I'll be starting on a rather huge behind-the-scenes project, but I can't say much about it yet. If we get it off the ground, it will immediately help a lot of men in dire need.

So today I will pack my suitcases and one or two small boxes. I never thought I'd be ready and willing to walk away from this future I had planned with WolfAlpha, but I need this weird state of limbo to end. Sorting through everything I own and putting his last few personal items where I can find them but not stumble upon them unexpectedly, has been good for me. I hope he doesn't mind a winter in the upper midwest, because I'll be carrying him around in my heart.